30 days. on. natural food.

ugh.

-The realistic part is that what people who are having craving problems COULD do…..is simply mono-eat the item they are craving for 1 week straight……and see how it REALLY makes them feel.

-If they are honest……then they will be motivated to never eat that food again. And a deep motivation wins over a shaky discipline ANY day of the week (in my opinion)! :)

-You will succeed - because you are being honest with how you feel.

====

I pray (I’m a religious man) that folks would either eat crap very consciously and LEARN how bad it is (without diluting it….or judging themselves)……or eat very healthy and appreciate the benefits. 

But more people either eat very healthy and crave bad things……..or eat a few bad things……….and feel guilty and terrible. They neither get the pleasure from eating healthy…..OR the pleasure from eating bad! :)

Going either side of the fence….and they would find happiness!

i read the previous posts in a forum today. and it sounded crazy. but i think it’s true.

i ‘binged’ on ramen today. again. i don’t know what happened. i think i told myself that i’m never going to eat it again. and the little kid in me started to kick and scream and wanted to eat it ‘one last time’ …and i just didn’t get it. because i’ve already decided teh shit doesn’t taste good. it doesn’t make me feel good. half the time i gag when i pour water onto the deep-fried noodles with its sodium and msg laden ‘seasoning.’ 

the results: my tongue is like …numb. my throat hurts. i have a headache. there’s a throbbing around my temples. my back feels achy and stiff.  my kidneys are aching. i feel depressed. my mind is cloudy. my skin is itchy. i feel heavy. i’m bloated. and constipated (i haven’t had a significant pooh in two days).

i think i always rationalize..that. ‘this one time won’t hurt’ …but that’s a lie. it will hurt. and it won’t be enough. i’ll want more. and more. and i’ll feel sicker and sicker. it’s. not. worth it. 

so that’s it. goodbye ramen. i now know, experientially, how shitty you are. a deep motivation wins over a shaky discipline any day. here’s hoping. fuck that, here’s KNOWING. done.

day 30.

thoughts: 

…

food:

• 1L grapefruit juice
• 1/2 watermelon
• thinking about having an avocado now (it’s 12:30 am…)

movement:

nothing

emotional detox:

nothing to note.

physical detox:

the watermelon seems to be cleaning out my intestines. i had a lot of wheat yesterday in the form of 3 instant ramen packages. i realized a part of me still ‘wants’ it. so i decided to eat some to see what the obsession is. and that’s all it is. addiction. it tasted not soo good. it’s not the taste of the ramen. it hink the chemicals in it just make my brain feel good or something. and then the warm noodles are comforting. so i think that’s what the attraction is. but there’s a very noticeable. unsatisfied-ness after eating. where as when i eat natural food, i eat, and i can move on with my life. i ate the ramen. and 20 min. later i wanted to eat more. not necessarily ramen. but something else. i wasn’t satisfied. and i felt gross after eating it. not to mention tired. and bloated. and constipated.

cravings:

nothing really. i craved ramen a bit. but i’m kind of over it right now. there’s a part of me that wants to just binge and have a food party. but i can’t let myself go there and undo all the benefit of the juice cleanse. i want to hold on to the mentality and physical benefits while they are here. 

positive changes:

….

what i’ve learned today:

….

29.

thoughts: 

didn’t quite following my eating plan today. i meant to start with juice or a green smoothie. but i started with other things. which is fine. i’m giving myself some liberty for awhile. 

food:

breakfast: 3 nori rolls with tuna pate

lunch: 5 kiwis

snack: 4 nori rolls with cucumber and bell pepper and tuna pate

dinner:cheese and salsa in a bowl

movement:

nothing

emotional detox:

nothing to note.

physical detox:

i woke up feeling very congested. as if i had a ‘cold’ …i don’t know what to attribute it too. yesterday’s heavy nut intake. late-night eating. detox. or heavy salt intake.

cravings:

nothing. which is pretty crazy. i walked past some students eating ramen today. and i felt so empowered for not wanting it. i got a sniff. and it seriously just had this rancid, chemical smell. i was literally like… ‘that’s not even worthy of being in my body’ …and i didn’t have to TRY to think it. it was an authentic thought. i’m not going to pretend that some part of me isn’t going to miss the warm, salty, noodly ‘goodness’. but i just can’t ignore what it’s made from and what it would do to my body, not to mention how miserable i feel both psychologically and physically. matrix food.

positive changes:

i had a huge slump in energy around 12 pm. and i didn’t know what to attribute it to. turns out. i just needed to have a BM. after that, i felt like a new person. so i’m going to make a conscious effort to have a smoothie or green juice in the morning to get things moving sooner so i can be a little more present and energetic throughout the day.

what i’ve learned today:

umm. i read someone’s post today that said soemthing to the effect of …them not being able to afford empty calories. that all their foods need to be nutrient rich. and i think that articulated my thoughts on eating right now. i basically ask myself ‘what is this food going to do for me?’ …and if it’s just filler. i don’t want it. no more unconscious eating. no more eating ‘just because’ …i’m either deliberately eating for fuel. or i’ve planned a meal that is not so much for fuel, but for pleasure, but also isn’t going to hurt me (too much). what i’ve decided for now is that means. absolutely no dairy. no wheat. no fried. steamed vegetables and grains and vegetable soups are acceptable but only when i’ve planned it. no spontaneous eating of those things. and i’m going to pay very close attention to the aftermath.

i’m going to wonju tomorrow. and i’m thinking i’m going to have a cooked soup. i’m going to cook some brown rice ahead of time and take it with me to the restaurant because they only serve brown rice here. i’ve been back and forth with myself about this. and i remember when i was juicing i really wanted this soup. so. i’m CHOOSING to have it now. and continue on with my 30 days. well. more like 28 days. and after that. then i will play around with regular cooked food allowances. but for now (after tomorrow). i’m going to be 90%ish…(nutritional yeast/soy sauce/toasted sesame seeds/agave/cashews)

i’m a little nervous that having this soup will trigger other cravings. but i’m confident i can white knuckle it. i’ve been pretty surprised about not have to deal with ANY cravings since juicing. i think of a specific food. i tell myself no. and i keep it moving. juicing has worked wonders for breaking my ‘addiction’ to certain foods if anyone out there reading this is wondering…

30

thoughts: 

so yesterday was my 27th journey around the sun. it wasn’t as momentous as i was expecting it to be. but i did what i wanted to do for the most part. which was, go to a jimjilbang. i fasted for the day to get my mind right for these next 30 days. i had my last cooked meal. which was brown rice with moroccan lentil soup which i had been eating for 2 days. i didn’t really struggle with cravings or anything for the rest of the day. i feel like juicing just put me in a certain mindset that has programmed me to see cravings as just thoughts that WILL pass. and they do.

so today was officially day 1, but i’m going to call it day 30. so it’s more of a countdown.

also. i’m realizing as i look at that number 30, i don’t have any trepidation like i did when starting the juice cleanse.  i just feel curious as to what the next 30 days will bring. i’m not the slightest bit worried that i won’t be able to do it, which is quite new.

food:

i’m going to post pictures in the future. hopefully tomorrow. but today was a little hectic.

breakfast: 1 L grape juice

lunch: tacos; salsa + cheese + taco meat + guacamole in a green lettuce ‘shell’

snack: sushi; cucumber + guacamole + red bell pepper + green onion + green lettuce leaves in nori served with soy dipping sauce

dinner: cheese and salsa in a bowl

movement:

nothing

emotional detox:

i’ve been feeling all kinds of despondent. parts of me ‘misses’ juicing. the simplicity of it. and how light i felt in my stomach. eating, preparing, and thinking about food feels so… annoying now. i liked that during juicing i just drank my juice and went on about my business. but i think a lot of that is because i did a big ‘uncook’ this morning so i had a bunch of prepared foods in the fridge to snack on when i wanted. here’s what i made:

tuna pate (forgot to add spike at first. after i added it, it tasted pretty great).

salsa (this had a weird taste today, even though i’ve made it three times. i have a feeling it was the onions. i added green onions as well as purple onions this time. but i can’t imagine the green onions would through off the taste that much. who knows.)

cheese (delicious as always)

guacamole (won’t make this ahead of time again, i turns brown)

brazil nut milk (i like this much more than almond milk or cashew milk)

extra grape juice (i’m going to stop buying grapes out of season. apparently chilean grapes are heavily sprayed with pesticides)

green smoothie (i was supposed to have for lunch but ended up filling up on sushi)

taco meat (left over from last week, i actually prefer the taco without the ‘meat’ with just guac, salsa, and cheese)

so, i think tomorrow will be better. less time in the kitchen.

physical detox:

i got a very pus-y pimple right under my nose on the right side.  also my nose ring seems to be forming a keloid which also looks pus-y. i’m wondering if all the sea salt in my prepared 

cravings:

i’ve been thinking about going to wonju this weekend. but i don’t know if i can pass up certain restaurants again. why tortue myself, eh? 

positive changes:

stayed on natural food without will power. i genuinely was excited to eat everything i ate. though i feel really heavy. i’m hoping my diet evolves to include mostly fresh fruit soon.

what i’ve learned today:

i think it’s important not to eat any prepared foods until my last meal. i feel so slow, heavy, and tired eating all those nuts and fat so early in the day.

gourmet raw vs. cooked plant-based whole food

so. it’s the day before i begin my official journey into raw. and i’ve been thinking. what’s more healthy? some cooked vegan whole foods (i’m thinking brown rice, steamed sweet potatoes, steamed veg, lentils, and chick peas, and possible some spelt pasta and flour). i’m wondering if it would be healthier to include those foods or the gourmet raw foods…like the nut pates and all that. i know i’m going to go through a stage where in the evening i’m going to want some heavier foods. and after a few days on lots and lots of nuts. i didn’t feel so hot. and after a few days with rice and lentils. i felt okay. but turns out lentils and rice is cheaper than nut and seeds. so… i’m thinking…

regardless. i’m going to do 30 days 100% raw. as close as i can to it. but after that… i don’t know what my transitional diet will consist of (assuming i’ll want one). because i want my diet to be pretty simple over all (whole fruits, juices, smoothies, salads)..with just the occasional (once a week?) comfort foods be they gourmet raw dishes or plant-based whole foods. i’m gonna marinate on that.

cooked food blues.

one-week update.

so. it’s been an interesting week. i said i was going to start a 30-day trial right after the cleanse. but i’m kind of sick of blogging. so it’s been nice to take a break. and i also thought it would be a good idea to spend a week playing around in the kitchen and seeing what i like, what i don’t like, how to keep things on hand. etc.

i did eat some cooked foods. but nothing i was craving. it was all kind of matter-of-fact. there was a festival this week at school, and i wasn’t intending on going. but i went, without having eaten anything all day. so while i was there. i wasn’t at all interested in the food. and i wasn’t even really hungry. but everyone around me was eating. so when they put down pajeon (korean green onion pancake), i think i was excited to see something i could theoretically eat. not because i was hungry. not because i was craving it. but just to fit in. and be doing what everyone else was doing. the first bite tasted good. but subsequent bites just tasted…dead. literally. and i was just thinking.. what is this cooked… matter (i can’t even call it food) doing for me? but i found myself wanting to finish what was on my plate. and i just had to check myself like. ‘hey, you can stop. nothing is forcing you to finish this’ and i did. i just put down my chopsticks and forgot about it. and that felt really empowering.

other cooked things i’ve had. are lots of cashews..i’m kind of obsessed with this cashew cheese recipe i made. and though the package says ‘raw’ ..i’ve heard that cashes ‘must’ be steamed to open the shell they come in or something. and the closest to raw cashews you can get, come from india. the nuts i have are from india. but i do notice my digestion is a bit slow when i eat them. but the cheese is soooo good. it’s fatty and creamy and just satisfies me in all the right ways. so yeah.

let’s see. i’ve also had organic soy sauce. which is of course cooked. i’ve been dipping cucumbers in it.

i’ve also had toasted nori. i had a big package of it that my school gave me for the school’s birthday awhile ago. so i just finished the package. which was a lot of nori. but now that’s it gone. i’m not missing it.

and. today i had some chopped organic pickles in a tuna pate. i don’t have a dehydrator, and don’t plan on getting one. but i really wanted to eat the pate on some saltine crackers. and i thought about it for a moment. like ‘i’ve been pretty good so far, let me just allow myself some crackers’ ..but i know how addicting wheat can be. and eating this high raw has been SO easy compared to all other attempts that i don’t even want to risk sabotaging myself. and i don’t feel deprived really. it’s just kind of ‘that would be nice’ …so i waited it out. and told myself if i still wanted it again in 20 min. i’ll go get the crackers. and 20 min. passed. and i got dressed and everything. but the universe was looking out. and i ended up watching a youtube video of ka sundance talking about the effects of cooked food on his son after eating cooked food after 4 years 100% raw. and it just made me think twice. like is it worth it? do you REALLY want those crackers? and the answer is no.

so… anyway. my return of the sun is next wednesday. and i thought it would be a nice gift to myself to fast for the day. go for a hike and really reflect on what i want out of this food journey. i’m finally doing it. and it feels so good. i really and truly feel free from all my food addictions. even the miso soup i broke the fast with. maybe i don’t want it because it’s attached to a negative experience. but i just don’t. and ramen. and pizza. and tofu. and all the things i was craving while juicing are like nothin. i don’t even think about them.

so i dunno. it’s probably not popular advice. but i highly suggest juicing for anyone who is having trouble letting go of cravings. i feel so fucking free. i feel so in control of what i put in my mouth.

and i haven’t been eating all that healthy this week. a lot of nuts. and milkshakes. and what have you. but i thought it was really important to just let myself have some freedom for a week. but next week i’m going to get back on a more regimented eating pattern. the fruit here isn’t so great. so even though i know eating your fruit is better than juicing it… i may be doing fruit juice in the morning. i do want to do green juices as well. i like them better than green smoothies. as far as taste. but green smoothies are faster to make in the morning and keep me full longer. so i think that’s something i might experiment with.

my diet for the past week has included these prepared foods in varying quantities at all times of day (and night). i literally gave myself freedom to eat anything at anytime, as long as it was not cooked:

salsa (delicious)

nut cheese, usually mixed with the salsa (delicious)

taco meat (okay, needs some tweaking)

almond milk (delicious)

milkshake (delicious)

cucumbers

kimchi (delicious)

green smoothie (just had one, and it was a little too sweet)

avocados (delicious)

surprisingly, i haven’ t had any cravings for anything. i think the real ‘secret’ to eating a natural diet is just having foods you love and are excited about. i mean, i literally haven’t thought about anything cooked. i don’t miss anything. not even a little bit. today, i woke up late, and didn’t have time to eat. and for a moment i thought about ramen. but it wasn’t a craving like: I WANT TO EAT THAT NOW! it was just a passing thought of, “hypothetically, what COULD i eat now?’ ..and ramen popped into my mind because that’s what i could get at the convenience store downstairs. but i envisioned myself eating it and though i have pleasant memories of eating it in the past, now it seems no more appetizing than eating… paper. i just can’t really separate the nutrition profile of food anymore. i can’t help but consider how the food is going to make me FEEL. fuck how it tastes in the moment. of course i want to still enjoy my food. but not at the expense of feeling bloated, fat, constipated, tired, and out of control.

and i think that’s something else that was holding me back for so long. thinking i had to give up taste and pleasure if i was going to eat this way. and that’s just not the case. if anything taste is even better. and without the guilt. and i’ve made the switch from feeling deprived to feeling empowered. when i’m eating around other people i know that i’m making the best choice for myself. and i focus on that. and can’t help but feel great about that. and i just feel GOOD. and literally.. even with stuffing myself with all those nuts and poor food combinations. my stomach is still relatively flat. not as flat as when i was juicing.. but still flat. and i mean.. i’ve been eating WHATEVER and WHENEVER i want. and it’s been a lot. so i’m really excited to see what the results will be when i actually start considering food combining, nutrition, and start incorporating more nutrient dense food. 

i wanted to do a juice fast post-mortem. but again, i just haven’t felt like writing. but i think i can still capture the essence of it. i want to talk about changes i’ve experienced.

one big one, even though it wasn’t the focus of the juicing. i’m astonished by it. and that is. i lost 10 kgs in 28 days. and i was expecting to gain most of that back once i started to eat. but even with stuffing myself daily for a week… i’ve only gained back 4 kgs. i check my weight everyday. just because i can’t believe. i keep expecting the number on the scale to go up. but it doesn’t. even though i am literally stuffing myself. and maybe this isn’t sustainable. but on every other cleanse. within 5 days i was back to my pre-cleane weight. the magic of clean eating. 

anyway. i’m done weighing myself. the novelty has worn off. i just want to focus on eating well. and incorporating more and more healthy habits.

so starting on may 16th. i’m going to do 100 days on natural food. i know i originally said 30. but i’m just so excited. i may only do 30 days of pictures and recording what i eat and all that…but i’m going to do 100 days in total. and then assess from there where to go next. and i really want to give myself the chance to see how far i can take this thing. and i know how important it is to form habits or systems. and that’s what this is about. not giving myself the chance to ‘not feel like it’ ..and after 30 days. hopefully i’ll have a great system in place and have staple recipes i love..and i won’t even have to think about food and i can start focusing on my fitness goals. and then my financial goals. and then…who knows from there. 27 is going to be an amazing year. 

the funny thing is. sometimes i don’t even want the processed food. i just want juice. it’s quick. it makes me feel good. and that’s it. i played around with the idea of juicing again starting on my birthday. this time with green juice and for 60 days. but i think i’ll save that for fall. i want to enjoy the summer fruits. so yeah.

i’ll be back in a few days. to outline what it is i’m doing for the next 30 days.

so far i’m thinking it will look like this:

morning: green smoothie (or green juice); i’d rather start my day with fruit, but i think having a ritual is really important to me. and i don’t always have tasty, ripe fruit on hand because korea sucks for produce. and i know i can always get greens. so. yeah.

lunch: (fruit or fruit juice)

dinner: natural food entree with salad

snacks: milkshakes, teas, desserts, left over smoothies/juice

anyway. i’m excited to finally be doing this. and that it’s not requiring willpower. this is genuinely how i prefer to eat. and that feels great. 

adventures in re-feeding

so. i was going to fast today just to let my body recover from my miso overdose. but i felt really hungry. and not just on some ‘i want to eat’ shit. but actually, certifiably hungry.

so first i had some prunes (not soaked). but that didn’t seem very satisfying. too sweet, i think. 

then i had a very ripe tomato sprinkled with celtic sea salt. it was quite satisfying, but i was still hungry.

THEN, even though i’m only supposed to be eating ‘juicy fruit’ there was a ripe avocado calling my name. so i had one. sprinkled with celtic sea salt and dulse flakes. and…it was like heaven in my mouth. and i had this thought that. it looked so beautiful. and it tasted so good. that i could totally eat this way. i don’t even know what i was fretting about. or feeling deprived about. i can’t think of one food IN MY LIFE, that tasted better than that avocado just did.

and then on top of that. no guilt! knowing that i just ate something good for me! and is going to move through my body relatively easily without leaving any sludge or excess waste behind. you can enjoy your food AND be healthy. i mean. i know this is obvious..but i thought i would have to give up something in the way of taste.

there’s so many things you don’t get from eating natural and you’ll have to leave behind: such as eating out. or eating conveniently. or eating unplanned. 

i woke up this morning. and i was horrified by what i saw in the mirror. my eyes looked like i had been stung by bees. and the bags under my eyes were back. and my stomach was bloated. again. all that from some miso soup. what have i been doing to my body with all that ramen? and wheat? and soy in its various manifestations? and the chemical shitstorm therein? all because it was ‘delicious’ for maybe 2 minutes. i was telling the manfriend about it and i casually said to him… that i feel like shit, but in actuality this is probably how i felt ALL the time before the juice cleanse but it was normal to me. how crazy is that? though i was disappointed in myself with the whole miso binge…i don’t regret it. it’s a lesson i needed to learn. i needed to see that this shit is not a joke. i’m making myself sick. literally.  and though i don’t have some life-threatening illness ( i could stand to lose a few pounds by my own estimation) to motivate me, i want to experience vibrant health. THAT motivates me. and it just hasn’t been a big enough motivator in the past.  hate to say it, but maybe i would have gotten myself together sooner had some doctor told me i was dying or if my life was at least compromised by rash or some other hindrance. but i’m proud of myself for taking on this challenge without anything motivating me except my will to be better. i could turn back today and not immediately experience a damn thing except a puffy face (that only i would notice) and less mental clarity. but i want to know im being my best self. and i know that wasn’t happening with cooked, devitalized food. this isn’t some intellectual musing for me anymore. this is just what makes me feel good. period. it would be silly to go back. for what? to socialize? to be normal? for convenience?

if anyone is reading this. and you’re thinking about whether to commit to a healthier lifestyle. whatever that means to you. even if you have no interest in natural food, as i define it. just do it. stop thinking about it. and if you’re having trouble overcoming inertia. try a 3 day juice cleanse. or smoothie cleanse. or fruit cleanse. whatever. do something to break the addiction. the draw to those foods or activities you want to discontinue. i promise, you’ll come out on the other side with a renewed sense of taste and commitment. just do it.

day 29: cleanse broken.

so. i ordered some miso earlier in the week and it arrived today. bad business. i opened it. and i smelled it. and i knew it was over haha. i feel a little sad that i didn’t make it to 30 days. but i think overall i accomplished what i set out to accomplish. 

it’s pretty amazing how a couple bowls of miso soup did to me. headache. runny nose. bloating. basically felt like death. i straight up fell asleep. it was that serious. i guess in my head… i was thinking it was just salty broth. my body disagreed. how quickly we fall from grace. …and the brain fog is… immense.

oh well. so i have a refrigerator full of produce. i was thinking to do one more day of juice anyway. but i went ahead and soaked some prunes and proceeded to eat them to officially break the cleanse. i didn’t exactly break the cleanse in the manner i wanted to… but as far as i’m concerned i completed 4 weeks and that’s great progress. and i stuck to it exactly for 25 days (until the coconut incident). 

and i’ve learned a lot. and i’m ready for this next phase.

having the miso did give me lots of insight into how quickly i devolved into eating for taste. i had one bowl. and then another. and then another. and nothing about it was nutritionally satisfying. it was just something about that salt was just doing all the “right” things to me.

anyway.

juices & supplements:

1L: grape + lemon

uncountable bowls of miso soup with a few sprinkles of dulse flakes

4 oz. of soaked prunes

4 capsules of intestinal herbs 

emotional detox:

hmm… disappointment but mostly eagerness to move forward.

physical detox:

bloated. tired. heavy.

cravings:

nothing. water?

positive changes:

i’m thinking in the future, i’d like to be away for a cleanse. it’s all well and good to juice while you’re carrying on with your life. but i think there’s something to be said for going away. and getting quiet. and removing yourself. i found myself at times just wanting to get… quiet and not really having the opportunity to. so next time. that’s definitely what i’ll do. as far as positive changes.

i’ve been thinking about the raw food thing. and i realize it’s been so hard for me because i’ve been making this an intellectual thing. like it’s the ‘smart’ thing to do…or even it’s the ‘right’ thing to do. but fuck that. i’m doing it because i want to do. because it makes me feel good. it helps me to think clear. it helps me to receive messages from where i don’t know but the shit is coming to me clear as day. and i want more of that. and i want to see how far i can go. where this shit will take me. am i going to be 100% raw right now? i dunno. probably not. but that’s the path i’m walking on and i’m going walking on it for as long as it feels good. but i refuse to let this become a prison for me or some dogma. it’s just.. what makes me feel good. when i compare transitioning to a vegetarianism…it was hard. but now when i’m dining with a bunch of flesh eaters…i don’t envy what they’re having. i genuinely and sincerely like what i’m having. and sure, to them, what i’m having seems…limited. but i truly am enjoying it. and i’m looking forward to getting to that place with natural food as well.

i am grateful for:

• forgiveness.

what i’ve learned today:

so. i didn’t break the cleanse in the way or at the time i intended. but i still have control over how i move forward from here. and i’m making a commitment to eat mostly natural food for the next 28 days. i think that’s the only way to redeem myself and not feel like i made a colossal mistake with the miso.  i chose to eat it. and i’m taking responsibility for that and moving forward. regardless… i’m proud of myself. i’ve done much better than any time in the past. in the past it would have been ramen. and that certainly wasn’t the case today. could have been much, much worse. so this shows me i’m making progress on the path.

i’m supposed to be joining some people for a ‘birthday’ get together next weekend at an indian place. i’m not yet sure how i’m going to handle that. i know there’s a vegan lentil dish there which wouldn’t be SO crazy. but i don’t want to trigger myself to start craving indian food. but i also don’t want to be super crazy strict with myself either. i’m making this deal with myself though: if i want it, i’ll have it and my next meal will always, always be a cleansing green juice.

what i’m reading:

nothing.